Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I am a Batface...You am not a Batface

I like to think Batfaces wear their hearts on their sleeves. Even when the chips are down, they nut up and give it their best. Apparently I was wrong.

Case in point, our most intelligent BF, Matt Sommer, came up with a brilliant...or not so brilliant idea to put together a softball team this season. Unfortunately, we quickly learned how fast our old baseball skills of yore hade declined. Aside from numerous injuries, we have been unable to mount either a decent offensive gameplan, nor any kind of cohesive defensive effort whatsoever.
The early going has been ugly. Not only have we been non-competitive...we've been...well...non-competitive. Standing at a pathetic 0-4, we have yet manage more than three runs in a game. Sweet? I think not.

Still, we all signed up to play...and as Batfaces, I believe it is our duty to stick together, despite these adverse times. Batfaces are all about pride...or so I thought.

At this point, I can say I am ashamed to know many of you. In trying to field a team of 10, or at least nine, players tonight, we found ourselves woefully short.

Amongst the no-shows:

Randy Brown, who found time time to play poker until 4am last night, but was conspicuously unavailable when the Batfaces needed him. Moreover, during his last Batface poker session, he attempted to injure our new shortstop, Wrestlemania style. In truth, Randy's not that good as his one and, likely, only outing showed, but is that any reason not to honor a commitment?

Michael Simmons...Simmons,Simmons, Simmons. Our favorite Batface wannabe has yet to make a game despiate his "hey dudes, I'll be there" promisises all season. Hey "dude", it is simple. Game starts at such and such time at such and such place. Those elements DO NOT change. So why the last minute change in plans?

Brian Brookhart. Who are you and why are you on our roster? Do the shades match the rug? I don't even know what that means. I have a jersey for you. I would give it to you, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to get in touch with you.

Adam McGill, faithful trooper during our first two double-headers...but why have you forsaken us now?

Eric Pfeiffle...has justifiably had the worst Batface experience throughout our season thus far, but still his only reply was "can't make it." I guess his new found success with the chicas makes Batface endeavors irrelevant? Honey, we love you. We miss you.

There might have been a few legitimate excuses, though. Jason Clark claimed he couldn't be there because a client (he's an attorney), ran over someone, but thought that someone was a cow. Fair enough, I think. Besides, he's only a Bat-Face hanger-on. But we are still terribly attracted to him.

Scott Fawcett would have missed the game anyway due to injury, but he had the added buffer of death #245 in his family this summer. As he said, "Last year was the Summer of Scott. This year is the Summer of Death. What will next Summer be?" Next year will clearly be the Summer of....

As much as I hate to do it, I even have to call out Todd Phillips. He and Sommer sort of conspired to pull the team together and he even offered to manage AND he even attended our lone practice session. Then he booked 32 different business flights, all conflicting with our terribly important softball schedule.

It is a sad, sad day when non-Batfaces like Troy Wicker and Chris Hammons have played more Batface softball than some of the phantoms who claim the monicker. I would be ashamed to say I am a Batface, but the truth is...you no-shos are less than gentlemenly and nowhere near reliable.

We represent. You don't.

P.S. Zach, love your effort and I love your left ass-cheek.

P.P.S. Celeste, Love you...love your innocuous shoulder tackle.

P.P.P.S. Thum...can't believe I am saying this, but you might be the most Batface-y of all.

P.P.P.P.S. Dan, you need to play deeper in the outfield.

Sugar out.


mvp said...

shane, just a point of clarification ... we scored 6 runs today.

and in softball, a staggered outfield is the right way to cover more ground. however, i don't really know that, because i usually play second base or shortstop. but both those positions were occupied today ... by you, and tulsa.

Tulsa said...

Uh, we scored 10.

And my failures at shortstop (where IS second base, anyway?) were not compounded by my complete inability to keep my yap shut and blame others when I fucked up.

Sommer said...

Hey, this wasn't all my doing. I personally think this whole idea was a brilliantly executed eggroll by Todd, who volunteers to be our manager and promptly books trips out of town for the first 5 of our 8 games.

Gentle Shane said...

Dan- I'm not really sure what position you played last night. Middle-field, maybe?

Eric- The ump had no sense of humor, which is always a bad draw for the Batfaces. Good news is that he fell for the ol' banana in the tailpipe trick before the evening was over.

Sommer- Think we should get a hockey team together?

Gonz said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gonz said...

I know I've been away for a while, but who the fuck are all these cats that you're talking about? When did the Batfaces decide on expansion?

Like most sports leagues that go the same route, I fear we have diluted our talent pool.

Gentle Shane said...


You don't matter. Stop commenting here.

Gonz said...


Miss you too. Homo.