My Childhood Wasn't Perfect

But thanks, Mom, for never being arrested for this.

Alt Head: Don't fuck with Flatley

Christmas edition of NFL Picks

Christmas edition because I'm picking every game AND the over/unders. Load up, bitches, because I plan on going 23-7.

Bal @ Dal -4 Under 39...........(lose lose)
Pit -2 @ Ten Under 34
Mia @ KC +3.5 Over 38.6
Arz @ NE -7.5 Under 44.5
Cin +3 @ Cle Under 32.5
Phi @ Was +5 Over 38
SF -5 @ StL Over 42
Atl +3 @ Min Under 42.5
NO @ Det +7 Over 50
Car @ NYG -3 Under 37.5
NYJ @ Sea +3.5 Over 42
Hou -7 @ Oak Under 43.5
Buf @ Den -6.5 Over 45
SD @ TB -3.5 Under 42.5
GB @ Chi -4 Over 41

Merry Christmas

And the Award Goes To...(Episode 3)

From the get go, it appeared that several contestants had the right stuff to be called Batface Playa of the Year, However, many of our clan faced early hardships.

The silkiest and smoothest Batface bowed to competition early due to the release of his progeny. A similar fate also took out this guy, this guy and this guy. Interestingly enough, this guy seemed to jump back in the game thanks to his ongoing "i can get beefier than you" bet with this guy. However, his love affair with this has relegated him to second tier status.

Our favorite and most mysterious Batface has lurked all-over the Playa map this year, but a recent dedication to this instead of this and this leaves us wondering.

We also expected a stronger showing from the all-time Batface Playa, but he has either curtailed his activities or is simply keeping them to himself, which could be the most intelligent thing a Batface has ever done.

In the end, this was a one horse race. The man who was once lambasted for his inability to communicate with the opposite sex made a certain lady swoon, often sending her off to work the following morning with a bruised and dented womb. Our hero decided to make an honest woman out of her, meaning that the time of the Freeze has passed. Enter now, the era of the Friesz.

Oh yeah, and he made partner...or something.

NFL Picks

Instead of a 5 Star LotW, I'm going to give you 6 games. Good luck all in.

Cin +13.5 @ Ind
Hou @ GB -6.5
Cle @ Ten -14
Atl +3 @ NO
Mia +1 @ Buf
Stl +14 @ Arz

And the Award Goes to...(Episode 2)

The competition for Batface Religion of the Year was a tough one. Strong consideration had to be given to Wicca, Nation of Yahweh and Falun Gong. Even good ol' fundamental Christianity put in a strong showing thanks to new Bent Tree member and First Baptist Senior Pastor Robert Jeffress who called Mitt Romney "a cultist" and insinuated that I, Shane Keller, am not OK.

However, the Batface Religion of the Year is unquestionably Mormonism. The goings on of the church are shrouded in secrecy and include bizarre rituals. However, the Batfaces saw first-hand evidence of the positive effects the church can have. Specifically, when its women folk get divorced, they become filthy whores.

Congratulations Mormonism!

NFL Picks

Buf @ KC +3
NYJ @ TEN -5½
WAS -3 @ Sea
Oak @ Den -8.5

Five Star LotW
GB +2.5 @ NO

And the Award Goes to...(episode 1)

The Batface Profession of the Year is, unquestionably, coaching.

Aaron Mattox led his Trinity Valley football team to a stellar 9-2 record and a runner-up finish in SPC Division II. In the championship game, Aaron's Trojans lost a tough see-saw battle against All-Saints Episcopal, who were led by two players already committed to Texas A&M and Louisiana Tech, which is highly unusual for a school this small. Aaron's kids weren't blessed with nearly this kind of talent, yet they more than held their own - a clear sign of a coach on his A-game. We see big things ahead for for our favorite coach.

Elsewhere, Zach Ballenger decided New York and the wine industry were no match for the call of the whistle, as he packed his bags, headed back to Dallas to pursue additional education which will lead him to the coaching path. Incidentally, his current alma mater is known as "the cradle of coaches."

2008 Batface Annual Awards

Kids,

We've long talked about putting together all kinds of annual awards, but no one ever does it. So, I'm taking the reigns. I've come up with 10 categories that I'm going to award this year. Please feel free to contribute if you want to...or add your own categories. Or go fuck yourself. The awards to come (in later entries) include:

1. Batface Seven Deadly Sin of the Year

2. Batface Poker Performance of the Year

3. Not Really a Batface but Deserving of Batface Credit This Year...uh...person

4. Batface Profession of the Year

5. Batface Playa of the Year

6. Batface Watering Hole of the Year

7. Batface Biblical Reference of the Year

8. Douchebag the Batfaces Hated the Most in 2008

9. Batface Ballsiest Move of the Year

10. Batface Religion of the Year

As my old buddy Eric Celeste often blogs on his more respectable site, "hold on to your effin' hats."

Stay tuned...or fuck off.

Go Soccerfaces?

Sorry for the spammish nature of this post ... but for those of you who love the other kind of football, and Sang, there's a new soccer blog out there that I think you may eventually enjoy.

(Don't tell him I sent you ... he's only posting because he thinks nobody is reading, which is mostly true, but still ...)

NFL Picks

No five star LotW this week.

NO -5.5 @ KC
Det @ Car -14
Arz -3 @ Sea
Dal -1.5 @ Was
Den +6.5 @ Atl

Not the Only Batface in School...

Follow along as Scott Fawcett plays in the 2nd stage of the PGA Tour's Qualifying School. His group tees off tomorrow in Florida at Pete Dye's famed Southern Hills Golf Course.

Good luck all in, and as always, Go Batfaces!!!

http://pgatq.bluegolf.com/bluegolf/pgatq8/event/pgatq822/index.htm

UPDATE:
Reports from the field indicate that Fawcett shot a 67 this morning and is tied for 2nd one shot off the lead. Go Batfaces!!

UPDATE 2
Fawcett shot a 1 under 71 today and is currently tied for 6th, one stroke off the lead.

UPDATE 3
Fawcett shot another 67 and is currently 11 Under and one shot back from leading the tournament. Some stats from the first 3 rounds: Fawcett has the most birdies with 20, best par 4 average at 3.77, breaks par higher than anyone else at 37% of the time.

FINAL UPDATE
Winner winner. The ass line plays again. Fawcett advances to the final stage. Congrats.

NFL Picks

Ten -3 @ Chi
NO @ At -1.5
Car -9.5 @ Oak
Bal +1.5 @ Hou

5 Star LotW
Sea @ Mia -7.5

Texas-Style Time Waster, #2

While caught up in my time-wasting efforts, I also crossed this site with an impressive collection of football helmet designs for Texas HIgh School teams.

Kiss another 6 hours of life goodbye.

Texas-Style Time Waster, #1

Several weeks ago, I made my annual dove-hunting excursion to Sweetwater, Texas for a weekend of camo, killing and manliness. I selected the specific weekend so I could also see the Sweetwater Mustangs engage in a little small-town, Friday-night, grid-iron action. Ranked #13 in the state 3A football rankings, the Mustangs manhandled their larger 4A foes from Big Spring.

However, before we scheduled the trip I thought I would do some research to see if said football game would prove to be unique experience...and it was. Sweetwater's modified bowl stadium is one of the oldest in the state and its design, especially it's end-zone tiering is one of a kind. I found this information at this awesome site. Made up of user submitted photos, you can peruse the vast majority of all football stadiums in the state.

Pretty cool. Kiss at least six hours of your life goodbye.

Election Prediction

Obama 311
McCain 227

Gripper offs himself.
Shane is happy.

Zach's Picks

Nyj@buf -5
Jax@cin +9
Tb @kc +9.5
Mia@den -4

Five star
Gb@ten -4

Always Funner

Since I know how happy hand histories make everyone, here are 4 hands at the end of a SNG that all took place in the last 3 minutes of play. Qwhoop!

PokerStars Game #21569331904: Tournament #116997738, $110+$9 Hold'em No Limit - Level VII (100/200) - 2008/10/28 15:33:49 ET
Table '116997738 1' 6-max Seat #5 is the button
Seat 2: FIDO651 (1655 in chips)
Seat 4: BIGLivesOn (1490 in chips)
Seat 5: TheDallasKid (2080 in chips)
Seat 6: Banderaszx (3775 in chips)
FIDO651: posts the ante 25
BIGLivesOn: posts the ante 25
TheDallasKid: posts the ante 25
Banderaszx: posts the ante 25
Banderaszx: posts small blind 100
FIDO651: posts big blind 200
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TheDallasKid [Ac 8s]
BIGLivesOn: folds
TheDallasKid: raises 1855 to 2055 and is all-in
Banderaszx: folds
FIDO651: calls 1430 and is all-in
Uncalled bet (425) returned to TheDallasKid
*** FLOP *** [4c Jc Kh]
*** TURN *** [4c Jc Kh] [Ts]
*** RIVER *** [4c Jc Kh Ts] [Qs]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
FIDO651: shows [6h Ks] (a pair of Kings)
TheDallasKid: shows [Ac 8s] (a straight, Ten to Ace)
TheDallasKid collected 3460 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***

PokerStars Game #21569432117: Tournament #116997738, $110+$9 Hold'em No Limit - Level VIII (200/400) - 2008/10/28 15:37:23 ET
Table '116997738 1' 6-max Seat #4 is the button
Seat 4: BIGLivesOn (2405 in chips)
Seat 5: TheDallasKid (2520 in chips)
Seat 6: Banderaszx (4075 in chips)
BIGLivesOn: posts the ante 25
TheDallasKid: posts the ante 25
Banderaszx: posts the ante 25
TheDallasKid: posts small blind 200
Banderaszx: posts big blind 400
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TheDallasKid [Jh Ac]
BIGLivesOn: raises 1980 to 2380 and is all-in
TheDallasKid: raises 115 to 2495 and is all-in
Banderaszx: folds
Uncalled bet (115) returned to TheDallasKid
*** FLOP *** [Qh 4d Ts]
*** TURN *** [Qh 4d Ts] [9d]
*** RIVER *** [Qh 4d Ts 9d] [Ks]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
TheDallasKid: shows [Jh Ac] (a straight, Ten to Ace)
BIGLivesOn: shows [Js Jd] (a straight, Nine to King)
TheDallasKid collected 5235 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 5235 | Rake 0
Board [Qh 4d Ts 9d Ks]
Seat 4: BIGLivesOn (button) showed [Js Jd] and lost with a straight, Nine to King
Seat 5: TheDallasKid (small blind) showed [Jh Ac] and won (5235) with a straight, Ten to Ace
Seat 6: Banderaszx (big blind) folded before Flop


PokerStars Game #21569472365: Tournament #116997738, $110+$9 Hold'em No Limit - Level VIII (200/400) - 2008/10/28 15:38:49 ET
Table '116997738 1' 6-max Seat #5 is the button
Seat 5: TheDallasKid (3200 in chips)
Seat 6: Banderaszx (5800 in chips)
TheDallasKid: posts the ante 25
Banderaszx: posts the ante 25
TheDallasKid: posts small blind 200
Banderaszx: posts big blind 400
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TheDallasKid [Tc 5s]
TheDallasKid: raises 2775 to 3175 and is all-in
Banderaszx: calls 2775
*** FLOP *** [4d 3d 7h]
*** TURN *** [4d 3d 7h] [6h]
*** RIVER *** [4d 3d 7h 6h] [Jc]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
Banderaszx: shows [8h Kh] (high card King)
TheDallasKid: shows [Tc 5s] (a straight, Three to Seven)
TheDallasKid collected 6400 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 6400 | Rake 0
Board [4d 3d 7h 6h Jc]
Seat 5: TheDallasKid (button) (small blind) showed [Tc 5s] and won (6400) with a straight, Three to Seven
Seat 6: Banderaszx (big blind) showed [8h Kh] and lost with high card King

PokerStars Game #21569493929: Tournament #116997738, $110+$9 Hold'em No Limit - Level VIII (200/400) - 2008/10/28 15:39:36 ET
Table '116997738 1' 6-max Seat #6 is the button
Seat 5: TheDallasKid (6400 in chips)
Seat 6: Banderaszx (2600 in chips)
TheDallasKid: posts the ante 25
Banderaszx: posts the ante 25
Banderaszx: posts small blind 200
TheDallasKid: posts big blind 400
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to TheDallasKid [Ad 2h]
Banderaszx: raises 2175 to 2575 and is all-in
TheDallasKid: calls 2175
*** FLOP *** [7d 5d 4c]
*** TURN *** [7d 5d 4c] [5h]
*** RIVER *** [7d 5d 4c 5h] [3h]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
TheDallasKid: shows [Ad 2h] (a straight, Ace to Five)
Banderaszx: shows [5c Kc] (three of a kind, Fives)
TheDallasKid collected 5200 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 5200 | Rake 0
Board [7d 5d 4c 5h 3h]
Seat 5: TheDallasKid (big blind) showed [Ad 2h] and won (5200) with a straight, Ace to Five
Seat 6: Banderaszx (button) (small blind) showed [5c Kc] and lost with three of a kind, Five

NFL Week 8 Picks

SD -3 @ NO
NYG +3 @ Pit
Was -7 @ Det
Arz @ Car -5

5 Star LotW
Atl @ Phi -9

NFL Picks Week 7

Hasn't been a great start to the football season, but I feel like I am about to turn it around.

SD @ Buf -1
Dal -8 @ StL
SF @ NYG -10
Ind -2 @ GB

5 Star LotW
Ten -8.5 @ KC

Batface Baby Pool

After many rumblings of cheating, I have posted the original baby pool sign up sheet on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvodQOsxhF0

NASA talk live blog

live blogging from Brookhaven where a former astronaut is going to talk.

Walked in and first person I see is my lab partner who sprints up to me and says, "holy shit, I am high as fuck.". Love community college.

R.I.P.

This weekend ought to be a defining moment for Texas Aggie football and thus, for the future of Texas A&M.  If Texas Tech comes to Kyle field and puts up a 50 spot and the Aggies don't happen to score 51, then there will be trouble for our favorite university.  I almost wish the game was not televised nationally, but hopefully, since it is an 11am kickoff, many of our potential recruits will still be asleep.

Look for the Aggies to be resting in peace come halftime when Tech lights up the scoreboard for at least 28 first half points to our 3.  

Oh well, maybe next year is the year!  

Prediction:  Tech 57, Ags 37

The good news is the Ags cover the 21 point spread.  

Gig 'em

P.S.  Watch, because of this post, A&M pulls off the upset.

NFL Picks Week 6

4-1 last week. I'm back.

Oak @ NO -7
Bal + 4 @ Ind
Mia +3 @ Hou
Chi @ Atl +3


5 Star LotW
Jax @ Den -3

Top 5 Things Tha Make Me Happy

1. The whiney, bitchy, selfish, cancer of a teammate, Mark Teixeira losing in the first round of the playoffs. Now he and Scott Boras have more time to figure out what team they'll rape for tens of millions this winter. Thankfully it won't be the Rangers.

2 - 5. Can't think of anything else.

NFL Picks Weeks 5

Figured it was time to try, Adam. So here we go...

Ten -2.5 @ Bal
SD @ Mia +6
Atl @ GB -3.5
Sea @ NYG -7

5 Star LotW
Chi -3 @ Det

Separated at Birth?

Some might think that I would be a big fan of White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen. We were both good glove, slap-hitting shortstops when we played. We're both quick to lose our tempers and possibly say something that we might regret later. And of course, we're both Venezuelan. Despite these similarities, I've never been a fan of Ozzie's UNTIL I read this quote on why he was having trouble remembering a suspended game from April 28 when it resumed in August :

"There was a lot of vodka between that game and today," he told the Sun-Times' Chris De Luca. "Believe me."

NFL Week 4 Picks

Dont have lots of time to post, but I'm going to dominate this week.


Arz @ NYJ -1
SF +4 @ NO
Was @ Dal -10.5
Hou @ Jax UNDER 43

5 Star LotW
Den -9 @ KC

Crash and Burn

My good friend and frequent poker opponent DJ AM, suffered a bad beat of his own this weekend. Thankfully, he's going to be OK. I remeber hanging with DJ, Nic and Shannon in Vegas in 05. Those were some wild days.

Week 3 NFL Picks

Awful stats week, yet somehow still broke even. Which is nice.

Week 2 1-4
Week 2 LotW - W
Season- 3-7
Season LotW - 2-0

TB @ Chi -3
StL +9.5 @ Sea
Dal -3 @ GB
Hou +5 @ Ten

5 Star LotW
NO @ Den -5.5

Kansas Shitty

Best sports video ever? In case you missed it on DeadSpin or the Ticket (or 6 million other places) - George Brett's story of crapping himself at the Mirage makes him my new favorite old baseball player. Click on the picture in the linked page to watch the video.

Batfaces at Texas Mid-Am

Reporting live from Lakewood CC where Fawcett and Tiny B look to dominate. Fawcett teed off this morning and Tiny tees off in about 15 minutes. Pictures and updates to follow.

Early prediction: one of tiny's playing partner, who we will refer to as Curly Douche, will either shoot a 94 or quit at the turn.

Score update: thru 2- Tiny E, CD+1, MM +1

MM just told me "good shot". Confused.

GWILF update: nothing really to speak of. Very disappointing. Will post pics soon.

Score update after some massive bad beats put on tiny by 2 trees and a fence: thru 6- tiny +6, cd +1, mm +2

Score update: thru 9- Tiny +6, Me +2 margaritas

Margarita update: The bad: while overall a good rita, not nearly as good as Bent Trees. The Great: you can charge drinks to accts at other clubs. Thanks, K493!

Last update because the 3G battery sucks ass. Tiny hates golf, MM and CD still suck, margaritas are always a good call,Fawcett shot a 78 and thum says buy gas now. Go Batfaces.

Go A Game?

"A" Game

"I'm putting everyone on notice, I'm bringing my "A" game tonight". TBR's exact quote from lunch today with Eric, Todd and me. Giddy up.

An Open Invitation to Join the Batfaces

Goes to these two guys.

Source credit to Gordon Keith.

Week 2 NFL Picks

Week 1 2-3
Week 1 LotW - W
Season- 2-3
Season LotW - 1-0

After a very typical 2-3 start, I'm looking to double up today.
NO -1 @ Was
Pit -6.5 @ Cle
Ind @ Min +1.5
Mia +6.5 @ Arz

5-Star LotW:
GB -3 @ Det

Good luck all in.

Batfaces Unite!

As the missing Batface member (presumably), it was nice to receive such a warm welcome at Houlihan's on Wednesday from my fellow Faces.  More importantly, it was nice not leaving Plano with zero dollars.  A personal thanks to Son of Sue for the heads up on how you guys play.

Dana, my Chinese "juggy" chested fiance, who in fact is not Chinese but American, was pleased to hear all the raunchy chub comments from the stories told.  So, after all the sabotage, the wedding is still on.

Idiots.

*Worst blog ever*

Masters Down (29 is a good)

MONDAY - Damn. Things didn't go too well today as Scott lost his match 3&2 in cold and rainy Milwaukee. If it's any consolation, I've determined by looking at a picture that Mark Scheibach of Bermuda Dunes, CA might be a douchebag.

SUNDAY UPDATE - Scott shot 75 in the second round and advanced to Monday's Match Play as the 6 seed to play Mark Scheibach. Go Batfaces!

SATURDAY - Batface golfer Scott Fawcett fired a smooth 66 in the First Round of the US Mid Amateur in Milwaukee. He shot 29 on the front nine, so he pretty much sucked on the back nine. The second round of stroke play is tomorrow with the top 64 of 264 contestants advancing to Match Play on Monday. Scott is currently in 2nd place. Go Batfaces!!

Give 'em a hand...

It was clear that UTEP was no match for the Longhorns on Saturday. However, we must give a "hand" to the UTEP fans. They really seemed down for the game and, although their emotions had to be up and down, the ego stroke of a national TV game seemed to blow their minds/pants.

Best Football Quote Ever?

Tiny's post about Urban Meyer's decision to pad his field goal kicker's statistics brought to mind what might have been the greatest moment in the history of post-game interviews.

Late in the 4th quarter of the 1968 Michigan-Ohio State football game, legendary coach Woody Hayes left his offense on the field to attempt a two point conversion following a touchdown that put his Buckeyes ahead by a score of 48-14. The 2-point attempt was good and Ohio State eventually won 50-14.

After the game, a sportswriter asked him why he would go for two with the game already decided. Hayes, who hated Michigan worse than Tim Rogers hates decorum, said, "Because I couldn't go for three."

Perhaps Woody was the original Batface?

God Bless Urban Meyer

And not only because the brunette is his college-ish aged daughter...

How many coaches kick a FG ahead by 20 with 25 seconds left? Not many, I say. Is there any chance he didn't know the line in the game was 22? Is there any chance he wasn't getting a cover for his rich boosters, who bet on the Gators.

Week 1 NFL Picks

I am not very good at this, even though I pretend and tell myself that I am every single year. With that being said, I'm going to pick 4 games every week that I think are good bets and pick one game each week that is guaranteed to win. Ish.


NYJ @ Mia +3
TB @ NO -3
Cin -2 @ Balt
Det -3 @ Atl

5 Star Lock of the Week
Dal -6 @ Cle

I use sportsbook.com to place all my bets and if anyone wants to sign up, I would appreciate it if you let me know so I can get a referral bonus. Its real easy to use and takes 15 seconds to deposit using your debit card. Good luck all in.

Man Down

Just received this text from The Gripper:

"Engaged. See you in hell."


Good luck all in.

Live Blog FF Draft

The 2nd Annual Batface Fantasy Football draft starts soon and this is the one and only location to catch the action. Follow along as millions log on to watch dynasties created?

Shane's New Best Friends?

Oklahoma Sucks Like a Bitch

not ark. state funny, but funny

Just got back from Home Depot where I spit-laughed at a guy wearing this t-shirt. Good news for him is that it may never go out of style.

Batface FF Draft Lotto 2008

Prove Me Wrong

Really wanted to wait until after the Miami game to make predictions, but I think I heard enough tonight. What makes me sad is that I don't think I can blame coaching on this one. It really sounds like we just dont have any talent. At all. Our Sr. QB takes a 16 yard sack on the first play of the 2nd half then goes on to throw two picks. Our best player loses a fumble with less than 3 minutes left down by 1. Our Sr. Kicker misses two FG's from less than 33 yards. Really, really bad. As of right now, I stand by my email to Tiny B but have the right to change it as the season goes on. Qwhoop.

ready for prediction

-----Original Message-----
From: son of sue
To: Tiny B
Sent: Sat Aug 30 22:01:26 2008
Subject: ready for prediction

@ NM - L 17-31 0-2
UM - L 14-48 0-3
Army - W 31-30 1-3
@ OK - L 24-62 1-4
KState - W 27-24 2-4
Tech - L 3-93 2-5
@ISU - W 19-14 3-5
Colo - L 20-45 3-6
OU - L 6-59 3-7
Baylor - W 35-28 4-7
@ Texas - L 11-87 4-8


Gig'em

It is a Sad, Sad Day...

...when the most intimidating player in the Batfaces home game is this guy.

Batting Stance Guy

Though I can't believe he didn't do Larry Parrish, Julio Franco is definitely worth the wait.

Who says Barbie is an unrealistic role model?

The proud look on papa's face says it all.

Olympics

I'm thinking Zach and Shane would probably be a good tandem if this event ever came to fruition.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=17752374.

I Work Hard to Save You the Effort

For those Batfaces who were worried about what to include in my obituary (and many of you should be worrying about this chore ), I am happy to say someone has done most of the work for you. Just change a few names around and this one should do just fine.

(Original Link Props to Gordon Keith)

Reason # 1,989 Why I don't Workout

Batface Gymnastics Team

While waiting for NBC's profile of swimmer Michael Phelps, I managed to catch a little bit of the Men's Team Gymnastics last night and had an idea. I no longer think we should focus on being America's Best Dance Crew. Instead, Batface Team Gymnastics. The following roster is not news to Tiny B or Sommer. It's not final, either:

Son of Sue: Floor Exercise
Sommer: Rings (no brainer)
Freeze: Parallel Bars
Me: Uneven Bars (though it's technically a chick event only, I intend to break down that barrier)
Shane: Rhythmic Dance (see above)
Tiny B: Vault (originally thought Pommel Horse, but vault showcases his explosion off the line)
Tim: Pummel Horse
Randy vs. Celeste for Balance Beam. OR, Randy AND Celeste for the first-ever Paired Balance Beam Entry. Two Boys One Beam.

Is it me...

...or is there a shocking similarity between this and this?

Go Me

First big win online.

Still Alive!

If Sang and Shane Were Morphed

I'm Concerned about Fawcett and his Wedding on the Beach

And he should be, too.

Aggie Dominating Austin

We've seen less and less of the Ass-slapping Batface over the past few months. It's been assumed that he's been preparing for his pending nuptuals. Turns out he's been spending a lot of time working on his golf game as well. This weekend Scott is playing at UT Golf Club in Austin in the Texas Golf Association's MidAm Match Play Championship. He finished 3rd in the Stroke Play qualifying and has won 4 matches to reach the finals. He plays Terrence Miskell, one of the best Amateur golfers in the state, tomorrow morning for the championship. Good luck. Go Batfaces! Whoop!

UPDATE - Scott lost the final match. Go bubbling. Great tourney.

2-7 Triple Draw is the new sports

This may be the greatest game ever. Live blog commencing...

5:40.... tripled my starting stack. position seems to be very important. Lot of bluffing.

5:43... two pair turns into 9-low and no call on the river. Up to 1700 (from 500)

5:46... (Omaha side game) Guess what, if I raise with Aces single suited in position, you are my only caller and the board flops a middle pair, I'm not going to believe your silly pot-size bluffs on the flop and turn, Timbo566. Just not gonna. SHIP IT.

5:51... Just dealt 2-3-4-5-7. Called the the nutz, kidz.

5:56... This just in: play ANY hand on the button.

5:59... (Omaha side game) NicePercy, thanks for the nice double up.

6:04... Still relevant? Discuss.

6:09... Damn, think I may have just gotten bluffed. Well played, Greedy Tee, well played indeed.

6:14... Just doubled up Greedy Tee. Not as good as he is.

6:19... just put Superxx all in after the second draw. He had drawn one, I stood pat with a pair of fives. He either made it or he didn't. No call from Superxx. Daddy like.

6:22... Finally misplayed a hand. Let Eric122 draw for free. Also, straights count against you.

Rangers / A's 9th inning live blog

So the Rangers are up 6-5 going into the 9th inning. CJ is set to pitch, so you know its going to be exciting.

What is harder for Chris Davis to do?
A: Make sweet love to a hot, big-titted East Texan?
B: Tie his shoe?
C: What?

Awesome. Chris Davis is a fucking machine. He owns the MLB. 7 time MVP in the making. How horny is CJ right.....NOW?

I love the interracial family

Diff'rent Stroke was a great show. Caught a few episodes today while I was writing my resignation letter and really enjoyed it. Amazing fact number 1: Mr. Drummonds career DIED after the show ended. Only was in a couple of small roles after the finale. Also, is there any chance at all that if the DS was a Real World-esque series that the kinda TV hot white chick would be taken HARD advantage of by the somewhat pre-ghetto Willis and the ever short but supposedly hung Arnold? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

BREAKING NEWS: Salty to be traded

Tiny B reports that, according to his sources, Rangers catcher Jared Salti.....cia is going to be dealt in the near future. Still trying to pin down exactly where and for whom, but when we hear something, we'll post it here.

The Hardest I've Laughed at an Internet Clip Lately

If only TBR would have celebrated this well every time he won a hand at the WSOP.

The People You Meet: My Brush with Lady Sports Guru

While enjoying an extremely late lunch at some Tex-Mex joint, I noticed three older gentlemen sitting at the bar and flanked by a mid-sixty-something woman who reminded me of a cross between Lovey Howell and every annoying host of an infomercial. When not guzzling one of several clear-colored mixed drinks or chain smoking her Winstons, she was busy peppering the conversation with ear-shrieking insights like "Oh my God!", "Wow!" and (my personal favorite), "Lordy!"

The conversation between this geriatric brew-crew was influenced heavily by several television screens, all tuned to various sports channels. Some of the topics she opined are as follows (and I sincerely wish I was making these gems up, but I'm not. I actually took notes after her third comment):

• Current major league salaries: "No damn ball player is worth $25 million a year." When one of her companions mentioned that the owners were still making money, she conceded,"Well, that's the ONLY way they're worth it."
• Dallas Cowboys football: "I quit watching the Cowboys when Jerry Jones took over. I didn't even watch the Super Bowls...at least not all of them. But I am looking forward to going to the new stadium.""
• Roger Staubach: "There never has been and never will be a better football player than good ol' Roger."
• Classic Ranger favorites: "I can't narrow it down to one. I just love Nolan Ryan...and Jim Sandberg."
• Current Ranger favorite: "Oh, I can't think of his name, but he's really good. I think he plays catcher."
• The state of the PGA: "I don't really watch unless Tiger's playing. There is one other guy I like though, but I can't think of his name. Isn't there a Mike somebody who is really good? But he's not black."
• The Tour de France: "Those helmets they wear are just for show."
• New Texas Stadium construction problems: "That leads me to believe they are cutting some corners. I wouldn't go near that thing."
• On Chris Chambliss' ALCS clinching home run for the 1976 Yankees (see 3:42 of the link): "I hope to hell they called a penalty on someone."

The Lady Sports Guru now moves up into the #1 slot on my all-time fantasy dinner accompanied by Todd Phillips, Clonie Gowen, Jamie Welton and Tagg's wife.

I Don't See Bags of Urine on that List

Good to know that the Chinese government has launched a campaign to discourage spitting on athletes during the Olympics. Cross "fear of typhoid" off of your list of reasons not to attend or care.

And go ahead and cancel your plans for WarcraftCon 2009 in Hunan. If they've got crossbows and daggers on the "prohibited" lists for the olympic venues. I presume the downtown Sheraton will frown on my Sacrificial Warmaul of Beastslaying.

English 101

I believe this song is full of ambiguity. The very first verse of the song,the writer is saying not that he was actually the ruler of the word that could make the seas rise on his command, he is saying that at one point in his life, he was on top. People all over the world loved him and just by coming out on stage, the crowd would stand and cheer. Now, he feels no one knows who he is anymore, he feels alone, and is now a normal working man.

The writer also utilizes both true rhyme and weak rhyme. For example, world/word, alone/own, key/me, stand/sand, ringing/singing, shield/field.

The only example of alliteration is, "It was the wicked and wild wind".

The chorus utilizes allusion by referring to biblical times.

The writer is the protagonist, as the entire song refers to him. I think you can make the argument that the antagonist is the world around him, as well as himself. He seems to portray that while "the walls closed on me", his own ego had something to do with his downfall.

This is definitely a stock situation of a tragedy. The person who "ruled the world" now has "revolutionaries wait for his head on a sliver plate.

Sang says...

Its always been my understandin the bet is still on after the first lapdance its still 20 a pop.

"Dead" Money?

We still don't know how TBR was eliminated, but I'm guessing he had more of a chance than this guy, even though this guy outlasted TBR by 3 levels and 6 hours.

"Gavin Kelly, who came into play today with 38,150 in chips but never took his seat on Day 2, has been eliminated. He was blinded off during the day and the last of his chips just went into the pot." - Pokernews

TBR Down

According to this report on Pokerati (scroll down):

TBR down and stinks at poker.

This is probably accurate, since it was typed by TBR himself. And since I'm pretty sure most of TBR's inheritance is invested in Pokerati, he has reason to make certain the site is accurate.

Dan follows with:

TBR is out. Won't tell me the hand. Says he is too embarrassed.

Well, you've done everything humanly possible.

Next Year's Member/GUEST

While steaming about life, I began thinking about the future...specifically next year's Member/GUEST. Although my partner this year was awesome, his recent performances have me considering my options. After a brief search, I think I found my next partner. He's skilled, shares my dark sense of humor and he's not afraid to kick a man's ass if necessary.

UPDATE: Thanks to whoever caught my error. I might have been under the influence when I wrote this.

Sugar out.

FWD: Tbr takes down huge pot! 35k and Goin

Hmm, that didn't work at all. There was supposed to be a picture of a thinky Randy here, resplendent in Batface Hat. Image and update courtesy of Fawcett, who has another post that is supposed to be here too.

PokerNOTi

I don't know about you guys, but has Dan's lack of content on Pokerati been somewhat disappointing? I'm not talking about Pokerati's content, just what Dan has posted. My roommate in college first told me about Pokerati about 5 years ago, when most posts were about yall's home games and the Dallas poker scene in general, and I have been a loyal reader ever since. When Dan started adding contributors like Karridy, and that Michele Lewis chick, I was excited because it seemed like he was getting "more serious." Then Tom Schnieder came along, Cali Jen started posting, and Dan moved to Vegas and I thought, Wow, pokerati is going to be competing with Pauley's website, taopoker.com as THE place to follow the WSOP. Man, what a let down. If it wasn't for Cali Jen (who maybe the best poker writer in the business), and some dude named Kevin Mathews, there wouldn't be any content. Sure, Dan has the Country Leaderboard, and the occasional 2 minute podcast with Pauley but that's about it. Where is the live blog, the behind the scene's stories, the Dallas player profiles, the inside scoop as to what is REALLY going on at the Rio???? Instead, we get pictures of a dumpster fire and talk about All-In Energy drink. Oh well, maybe next year.

TBR To Do list for the Main Event

TBR leaves for Vegas Saturday night to play in Day 1D of the WSOP Main Event. This will be his 4th Main Event, and he has actually done pretty well in his past. His first ME, he came in 178th for $39,075. Last year, he was one of the chip leaders after day 1, only to donk off all his chips sometime on Day 2. He seems to be playing pretty well recently, and we all expect him to go deep again this year. With that in mind, Tiny B and I came up with 15 things you need to do while in Vegas:

1 - Any time you see Jerry Yang, only refer to him by his confusing nickname, "The Shadow".
2 - Do a line of blow with Clonie.
3 - Text JJ incessantly while giggling and talking about working out and dieting.
4 - Day 1 smoke cigs, Day 2 dip snuff
5 - When you sit down at a new table, introduce yourself as "The guy that caused Brandi to kill herself"
6 - Get it all in on the Hard 10 at PlayHo
7 - Cockblock Devilfish at the Hooker Bar while pounding Kryptonite Shots
8 - Refuse to wear a gay Pokerati patch
9 - Tell Phil Ivey that you're glad that bitch Hillary got out of the race so he can now focus on McCain.
10 - High card Farha for $20k
11 - Let Shane play your cards for one level
12 - Win Main Event, give it all to Freeze, get him close to even
13 - Yell "Go Batfaces" after taking down every pot
14 - No cabs, only rickshaws
15 - Don't get wife pregnant

Free Rangers Tickets

You need to vote for Hamilton and Kinsler for the All-Star game. The Rangers are giving you an incentive to vote 25 times. If you choose the Rangers as your favorite team, and vote all 25 times before 11:00 pm Central time tonight, they will give you a voucher for 2 Rangers tickets in late August. Vote now. Vote hard.

http://texas.rangers.mlb.com/tex/fan_forum/allstar_offers.jsp

Batface makes good, music

Tip o' the cap to one of the two most famous Batface drummers Mike Simmons as his band Menkena puts out some wistfully soothing new tuneage. If I had to make an analogy (which I often do, but which typically clarifies things like a 7 year old using the cast of Sponge Bob to describe undulating oil prices - wait, crap..) - i'd say it's kinda like Mazzy Star and the Psychedelic Furs huddled together for warmth 2 miles from a Sigur Ros concert.

Fans desiring an autograph are recommended to catch him at the card table where his sig already fetches around $60 a week.

Update: Catch Menkena at Dada on July 19th.

Where have you been all my life, blog?

Ah, July 1st.  We're halfway through the year yet it feels as if football season is eons away.  Everyone's talking about Georgia as your feel good pick of the year.  True, they have tons of talent but I can't imagine a team with red and grey as their colors winning a national championship.  Therefore, I'm ruling out Georgia.  Because they have red and grey.  Georgia down.  Good luck even winning the SEC.

But now to a more important topic:  the Chicago Cubs and their inability to win on the road. 

As the only Cub fan in my group of friends (3), I have a great sense of pride when they win.  Unfortunately, that doesn't happen away from the friendly confines.  Last weekend, on the south side, I thought I was watching the ChiSox and the lowly Rangers; it was ridiculous! Who's with me???  I hate to complain about a team in first place but it's not even the All-Star break and I've got those knots in my stomach like they're about to blow it worse than my girlfriend on her recent "suck the penis" contest at the local Carlos and Charlie's.  Or blow it worse than Lee's idiotic frontal charge at Gettysburg.  Ugh!

The ESPYS are dumb.

I'd rather vote for Obama than subject myself to a sports award show.  I mean, seriously...the only sports award show I'd ever go to is the awards presentation when you finish the golf scramble at the over-priced country club.  And that's only because you know the trophy's going to be spectacular, albeit it won't be given to me, it's still nice to see which group of hacks cheated their way to a 59 using two sets of rentals.

Anyway, it's good to finally post here.  Even though I don't remember everyone's name, I won't shy away from your harsh criticism of my amateurish and baseless opinions.

Hard Worker

When you're a busy Commercial Real Estate broker, like me, you spend your mornings doing things like reading 2005 Batface.com posts. Here is one of them.

Overheard at Mavs Headquarters

Donnie N.: Look, Mark, until you pay my daddy what you owe, me and the guys aren't gonna help with the draft tonight.

Mark C.: So, hardball is it? I don't need your help anyway.

Donnie N.: Fine.

Mark C.: Fine.

Donnie N.: FINE.

Mark C.: FINE.

...........

Mark C.: Donnie, what if I send pops a case of scotch, and we just use the Yahoo! autodraft feature?

Donnie N.: Works for me, coach.

Mark C.: Now, let me get back to watching my Cubs game. I'll pin all of this on Avery in my blog tomorrow.

HORSE Fantasy Draft

The most prestigious WSOP tournament starts today, the $50,000 HORSE event. This the the bracelet the pros really want. To feel like we have a stake in the tourney, Tiny B and I had a little fantasy draft. The rule are simple: We each pick 5 players and the one who finishes highest wins, with a bonus if one of our guys actually wins the whole thing. Here are the teams:

son of sue:
Ivey
Lindgren
Antonius
Greenstein
Tom Freaking Schnieder

Tiny B:
Benyamine
Kenny Tran
Bloch
Matusow
David Singer

May the Lord be with Tiny's team.

UPDATE
After Day 1, Team Matusow's Guys is stuggling. Singer is the 2nd shortest stack, and everyone else except for Benyamine is below average in chips.

With the exception of Ivey, my team is dominating. The other 4 are all above avg in chips, and 3 are in the top 25.

TBR's team is also doing pretty well, except for Hellmuth who busted the first day. Of his remaining four players, 3 are above avg with 1 in the top 25.


UPDATE
Heading into Day 3, here is where everyone stands:
Matusow's Guys lost 2 more players yesterday, and all his hopes hinge on 2 players with less than avg chips, Kenny Tran and Andy Bloch. Good luck all in.

My team lost two player, but Greenstein is 2nd in chips, and Lindgren is well above avg. Ivey nursed a shortstack all day and is way below avg.

TBR's hopes are all on Doyle, who is 10th in chips.

DAY 3 UPDATE
Tiny B's team is down to Andy Bloch, who has a little less than avg chips.

On my team, Ivey is the 2nd shortest stack, Lindgren is a little below avg, and Greenstein is still 2nd in chips.

TBR's horse, Doyle Brunson, is still going strong and finished the day 9th in chips.

Imus Thinks All Criminals are Black

What a fool. After someone mentioned that Adam "Don't call me Pacman" Jones has been arrested 6 times since he was drafted, Imus asked "What color is he?" After a slight pause, he was told African American, to which Imus replied in a chuckle, "Oh, well, there you go. Ok, now we know."

murmur


http://www.redlasso.com/ClipPlayer.aspx?id=5127eb0c-cf73-4b8f-9805-926190b45245

The Poll that Wasn't

I was supposed to be in charge of this week's edition of the Batfaces poll. However, since I can't be concise about anything, my content for the poll was...welll...just too long. Nonetheless, I offer said content anyway. Please feel free to vote or comment as necessary.


Poll Topic: What is the most likely scenario should a Batface win a WSOP bracelet?

1. Tim uses bracelet to cover his bald spot. Also, has bracelet tattooed on the arm of his "Wild Thing" tattoo.
2. Celeste drops 87 pounds and loses bracelet in public bathroom when it slips off his waist.
3. Freeze immediately loses it at Caesar's when he has to put it up for collateral on a four-way, six-bet black jack scenario.
4. Todd pummels his cat to death with it because he "hates the people that made it."
5. Randy wakes up in Thailand only to find his bracelet and his left kidney missing.
6. Eric White casually throws bracelet into the safe containing his other $47 million.
7. Sommer tricks out bracelet to make it the first ever Wi-Fi enabled WSOP bracelet.
8. Thum brings home bracelet, shows it to his kids, and then beats the hell out of them claiming "that's what will happen to you if I EVER catch you screwing with it."
9. Simmons has to trade bracelet for groceries after he maxes himself out on ATM withdrawals for the day.
10. Shane straps bracelet to ankle claiming "it is only there for support".
11. Zach Ballenger gives bracelet to his mother after realizing his father was too busy losing a $150 satellite to watch his final table performance.
12. McGill storms into Wick's office, brandishes bracelet and knocks Wick unconscious claiming, "Take that, BITCH!"
13. Wilonsky has bracelet melted down and made into miniature Oscar statue.
14. Sang trades bracelet for "aggressive" handjobs.
15. Dan Michalski tries to use bracelet as his in to get into Clonie's pants. After he fails, he consoles himself by eating corn dog dipped into mashed potatoes and gravy.
16. Fawcett uses bracelet to decorate the new "in-law wing" at his house.

The Significance of Eric's Big Finish

...and by finish, I mean his closing move in the sack.

Seriously, I'm referring to his impressive finish in event 23 at this year's World Series of Poker. This marked the third WSOP cash by a Batface and it also marks a significant improvement over past triumphs.

Special thanks to Zach for sending these numbers to me. Here's the story:

Randy Brown (aka TBR or Tibber) makes Batface history by going deep in the 2005 WSOP Main Event. Randy finished 178th out of a field of 5919 for winnings of $39,075. He beat 97 percent of the field and his winnings represent a 290 percent return over the tournament buy-in. This performance still stands as the largest Batface cash in a WSOP event.

Zach Ballenger was the next Batface to make a run at glory. At the 2006 WSOP, he went deep into a $2500 Buy-in, No Limit Event. Zach finished 50th in a field of 1290 to outlast 97.2 percent of the field. His $8901 in winnings represented a 280 percent return over the buy-in.

Eric's recent performance saw him placing 25th in a field of 1344, meaning he bested 98.2 percent of the field and saw a 600-plus percent return over the tournament buy-in. Statistically, this is clearly the best performance of any Batface at the WSOP.

Todd "Tiny B" Phillips at least deserves honorable mention with his 5th place finish in the $1500 Buy-in No limit Event at the 2006 WSOP Circuit Event in Tunica. Although not a WSOP venue performance, this finish stands as the lone Batface final table appearance at a major tournament. In finishing 5th out 228, Todd outclassed 97.8 percent of the field and his pay-out was a whopping 1225 percent return over the buy-in.

In another post, we should lay odds on who will be the first Batface to make a WSOP final table...or possibly win a bracelet? Coming soon.

Incidentally, I've played in 6 WSOP events and haven't ever made it past the first break, much less cashed. Doesn't matter though, 'cuz I'm killing it at the cash games.

Hate Blackjack

Hate Blackjack

Retraction

Shane has never been this bad.

Also dunno.

Don't even know

Howie Mandel and Wil Farrell ?

Tims bad beat. Really.

go batfaces

Strep Throat

Also Kryptonite

Go Kryptonite Shots

Man down

Crippled with 10s against AJ when he flops a set and the dude turns a straight. 13K+

Break Time

Down to 26 players. Eric has 65000 which is low. Average is 200k.

Also, Randy is the new Shane.

Dylan Bircheff. Go F Bombs.

Event 23 Update

"Breaking to 3 tables now. 27 left. $13k. He has 60k. Short. Blinds are 4k 8k - 1k and going up in 8 minutes"

Randy down

Tiny B - "Randy is standing on a chair when eric goes all in. Randy falls, everyone folds, and tournament director yells at Randy."

TBR knows balance

Go Package and Eric

Re: First Hand back from dinner.

"the merry Celeste" = the new "Tulsa"?

On Jun 13, 2008, at 10:29 PM, "Zach Ballenger" <zballenger@gmail.com> wrote:

From pokernews...

During the break, one of my media colleagues inquired about a player called Eric Celeste, so, keen to keep him updated on his friend's performance, I decided to calculate his stack.

Little did I know that on the opening hand of the level, Celeste would be feeding my thirst for action with an all-in and subsequent double through.

Dustin Dirksen, who displays more moves than a Take That concert, raised it to 13,000 preflop only for Celeste to push for around 50,000 in chips from the small blind.

Although it was assumed the action would fold back round to Dirksen, momentum suddenly paused on the big blinder David Steicke just one seat down.

Clearly holding a big hand, Steicke asked for a count of Celeste's stack before ultimately pushing all in himself. Dirksen happily sidestepped out of the way.

As they turned over the hands, Celeste's expression said it all, his in all sorts of bother against Steicke's commanding pair of ladies, .

However, poker is full of surprises, and when a hit the flop, Celeste suddenly increased his outs by eight.

Although the on the turn made no difference, one of those outs arrived on the river, the giving Celeste the straight and triggering a stunned silence as Steike begrudgingly counted out his stack.

As a result, Steicke is down to the felt, whilst the merry Celeste jumps up to 100,000.

On Fri, Jun 13, 2008 at 11:21 PM, Todd Phillips <Todd.Phillips@ugl-equis.com> wrote:

Eric in big blind, under the gun raises, everyone folds to Eric, who moves all in for 53000 and is called. Eric has A8(the Randy) of diamonds. Other guy has QQ. Flop is 10 9 7, turn blank, river 6. Ship. Now at 110k, which is about average with 46 left.

Ship it. Go Batfaces. Go Vodka.

Re: First Hand back from dinner.

From pokernews...

During the break, one of my media colleagues inquired about a player called Eric Celeste, so, keen to keep him updated on his friend's performance, I decided to calculate his stack.

Little did I know that on the opening hand of the level, Celeste would be feeding my thirst for action with an all-in and subsequent double through.

Dustin Dirksen, who displays more moves than a Take That concert, raised it to 13,000 preflop only for Celeste to push for around 50,000 in chips from the small blind.

Although it was assumed the action would fold back round to Dirksen, momentum suddenly paused on the big blinder David Steicke just one seat down.

Clearly holding a big hand, Steicke asked for a count of Celeste's stack before ultimately pushing all in himself. Dirksen happily sidestepped out of the way.

As they turned over the hands, Celeste's expression said it all, his in all sorts of bother against Steicke's commanding pair of ladies, .

However, poker is full of surprises, and when a hit the flop, Celeste suddenly increased his outs by eight.

Although the on the turn made no difference, one of those outs arrived on the river, the giving Celeste the straight and triggering a stunned silence as Steike begrudgingly counted out his stack.

As a result, Steicke is down to the felt, whilst the merry Celeste jumps up to 100,000.

On Fri, Jun 13, 2008 at 11:21 PM, Todd Phillips <Todd.Phillips@ugl-equis.com> wrote:

Eric in big blind, under the gun raises, everyone folds to Eric, who moves all in for 53000 and is called. Eric has A8(the Randy) of diamonds. Other guy has QQ. Flop is 10 9 7, turn blank, river 6. Ship. Now at 110k, which is about average with 46 left.

Ship it. Go Batfaces. Go Vodka.