Friday, March 02, 2007


At poker last night, the 2005 DSOP at Shane's was discussed. Here is Shane's e-mail about the events that followed the tourney.

OK, so as best as I can recall...

Todd calls me around 8:30 or so to confirm that the ever-sweet, clean and dainty Amber will be joining us at Bob's for a late dinner. I get to Bob's just before 10pm and Amber is standing outside smoking and talking on the cell phone, which would be her recurring theme for the night.

Inside, I see Todd with a drink in hand, which was surprising because I knew he was more than liquored out. We go to our table and I spend the next hour or so desperately trying to follow a machine-gun-like stream of consciousness dialogue. Seriously, we were never on-topic for more than about 45 seconds. Anyway, here's the gist.

· Turns out Amber is the girl Traci mentioned a few weeks ago who got a DWI. Presumably, that’s why she was guzzling Michelob Ultra…or something.
· Amber broke up with her boyfriend in January. He had no job, but lived in a 7500 square foot home in Lakewood. Instead of going out, Amber says she spent most of her free time helping him decorate. She was disappointed in him because he was 35 and couldn’t get out of his party phase. Her philosophy, “Men have to have a job. If they don’t keep themselves busy, bad things happen.” My weak response, “I have a job.”
· Traci hasn’t had a real boyfriend in about two years. During this relationship, the apparent height of their enjoyment occurred on Sundays during football season. They would sleep late and he would grill steaks and whatnot during the games. Then they all got high. Traci found the experience to be “relaxing.”
· Although I can’t remember how the topic came up, at one point Traci started talking about some of her friends. Apparently, someone was trying to get someone else to fuck them with a dildo, but the other person was just into regular fucking, so the dildo became an issue. Todd, if this one resonates better with you, please advise.
· Traci and Amber attended Canyon Creek Christian Academy, but both were expelled when they were caught drinking underage at a party. Traci’s mother was a teacher there, so she was re-admitted, but Amber got hosed. Apparently, the new principal was an over-controlling hypocrite and he was out to get Traci after she engaged in a supposed threesome. Traci claimed it was just “hearsay”.
· After we finished dinner, we decided to go to Dragonfly. Well, Traci and Amber decided on Dragonfly. I was still contemplating the hearsay incident. Anyway, when the valet brought me my rental car (in the case a truck), tiny little Amber literally grabbed the oh shit handle and in a combination vault/high bar move, athletically swung herself into the truck. I had to hide my boner.
· On the way to Dragonfly, Amber kept trying to call her friend Misty who was at the Mavs game. She had left her charger at Misty’s house the week before and hadn’t been able to get it. When Misty didn’t answer the first call, she called her 8 more times. This would be another recurring trend for the evening.
· However, at some point Amber brought out this story. I have no idea how we got on this topic. She mentioned that a friend of her’s had been in Korea and was hooking up with a Korean girl. The girl kept saying “be in me, be in me” but the guy thought she was saying “pee in me, pee in me”. So the guy takes a leak inside her potty spot. Amber summed up the story by saying, “That Korean girl was pretty mad.”
· We get to Dragonfly and the place is packed. Traci and Amber both know about 50 percent of the people in the bar. Traci knows the bartender, so we get a round of drinks and shots. Todd frowns when the drinks get there and I advise him to fight through it.
· At the bar, some guy is there from Houston (presumably just went to the game). Although Traci claims she said nothing to him, he told her to “shut her big hole.” Todd didn’t see the altercation, but after hearing about it, he wanted to go find the guy and punch him. Apparently energized by the recent round of shots, Todd was now fightin’ mad. Great.
· As we made our way outside to the pool, Amber said that some guy tried to hit on her. His line to her was “Hello, what do you do?” This has significance later.
· When we get to the pool, Amber sees her friend Misty, the one she had been trying to reach. Misty was extremely drunk and pissed off. I then committed a tactical error when Amber introduced us.
o Amber: Misty, this is Shane.
o Misty: Hello.
o Shane: Ahhhhh, Misty. You’re the one with Amber’s phone charger. She’s been cursing your name for the last hour.
o Misty didn’t say another thing to me for the rest of the night.
· So, here we are sitting by the pool and it is amazing that even though it is obvious that the two girls are there with us, probably half a dozen guys walk up to them and hit on them right in front of us. It made for some entertaining theater.
· The “what do you do” guy shows up and sits down next to Amber and starts putting the moves on her again. She calmly deals with him, and I intentionally offer no help for about 10 minutes. Finally, I interrupted their discussion and said, “Hello, my name is Shane. What do you do?” Amber laughed and I now moved in to deal with this ass-clown. Not only was he drunk, he was incredibly stoned and had just broken up with his girlfriend. That didn’t prevent him from showing naked pictures of her he had stored in his camera phone. Turns out he was a dentist and he offered me “free crowns, fillings, anything. Just help me with this girl.” Amber heard this and immediately glared at him. I responded, “Dude, she’s my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for three years.” Quickly changing gears, he responds with, “Wow, she’s awesome. You have to set me up with one of her friends.” It took about 20 minutes to get rid of him, even Todd got involved. Meanwhile, Amber gets tied up with another miscreant. I walked over to ask her if he wanted another drink and she quickly grabs me and introduces me to the guy she’s been talking to. “Hey, Chris, this is Shane. He’s my husband. We’re celebrating our third wedding anniversary.” The look on his face was clearly of the “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” variety.
· With it getting late, I was ready to get the hell out of there as was everyone else. Even Traci announced she was “so over Dragonfly.” Amber was again trying to find Misty. As we’re just getting the car from valet, Amber’s phone rings and it’s Misty telling her to stay. Amber gave me an awkward look. I told her I was done and she should stay with her friends. I got the “you’re so sweet reply” and left. When I got home, I drank a quart of bleach.

My reply to Shane about the rest of the evening....

Shane - Very well done.
Traci and I leave Dragonfly and head back to the Monk, where her cars is (she and Amber met there and took a cab to Bobs). As we're on the way, she frantically remembers she is supposed to bring a cheesecake to Mother's Day lunch tomorrow and calls a Fireside manager and arranges for us to pick one up. We walk into Fireside and they have the cake waiting. It's $50, and Traci starts looking through her purse as if she doesn't have the money.
Apparently remembering that I saw her take home $300 earlier in the day, she pulls out a wad of cash and pays for the cake. As we leave Fireside, she starts to fall, but I catch her and I don't drop the cake in the process...I've always had good hands. She is very drunk. All night she's been talking about having to go to church with her mom at 8AM and how she wasn't staying up past midnight. It's 1:40 when we enter the Monk. We immediately go sit at the bar and of the 86 people in the bar at this time, about 73 hug and/or kiss Traci. We order drinks and put them on the tab Amber and Traci started earlier in the night but didn't pay when they came to Bobs. Traci, the waitress that looks like Kristin and the tall waitress that loves Adam start doing shots. I decline. Last call at 2, lights on at 2:15, bar empties except for employees by 2:30. I end up paying the $55 bar tab of which I had one drink. We head to the parking lot, we're both unsure she can make it home despite living less than a mile away, so we hang out in the parking lot for 20-30 minutes, we kiss goodnight and I head home. As I instructed, she calls me when she gets home and that is the evening. I realize I'm quickly moving into the non boyfriend, nice guy friend-role that I've had with others in the past. Next time we go out, I'm making sure she doesn't have a car, so I can hold her against her will.


Gonz said...

Wow. Crazy long post. It was worth it, though, for the last line. SO murmury.

Gonz said...

Oh, and the stuff about peeing in the Korean girl made me laugh out loud.