How I Help People

Batface-y guy Michael Thum asked me to come up with some suggestions for his son's 2nd Grade basketball team. Before beginning work, I recollected the various names of teams I participated on while in elementray school. These included:

Blazers
Tigers
Lions (3 times)
Red Sox
All-Stars
Pythons

All totally fucking lame. Tummy's kids deserve better than this. All kids deserve better than this. So, I'm posting a copy of the suggestions I e-mailed to Tummy. Please feel free to repurpose any of these for your own child's needs.

Scary Guys
Ankle Biters
Parisian Gentlemen
Entrepreneurs
Ballers (tee-hee)
Screaming Pharoahs (No idea what this means, but it sounds cool)
Leviathans
Krakens (again with a nautical theme, but you can only use this name if it has something of a non-sensical modifier (i.e. Blue Krakens, Speedy Krakens, Gleaming Krakens))
Benevolent Werewolves
Snipers (Double entendre and politically incorrect – clever, because this name would have been perfectly acceptable when we were kids. Still perfectly appropriate. Anyone who protests is uptight and in need of a beating.)
Faber Mongols (I hope you get the “Animal House” reference)
Invincible Monkeys
Welterweights
Neapolitan Mastiffs (Why is that only a few breeds ever get mascot recognition? Bulldogs, Terriers, Greyhounds, etc. Why not give a shout out to another one?)
North Central Texans
Dengue Fever (Why? Because there is no treatment for Dengue Fever. You can only hope it doesn’t kill you.)
Impenetrable Armor
Wicked Voodoo
Blunt Force Trauma
Screaming Bohemians
Proven Muscle
Obelisks
Untamed Heroes
Triage Specialists
Rugby Champions (because it makes no sense)
4 ½ Feet of Pain
Ornery Boys
Dogs of War (You can start every game with the coach screaming, “Cry havoc!” and then the parents scream, “and let slip the dogs of war!” The opposing parents will hate you because they didn’t think of it.)
Robot Hippies
Sea Monkeys
Witness Protection Program
Canadiens
Retiarii (these were the types of gladiators who fought with nets. Nets…get it?)
Chili Dogs
Chick Magnets
Leather Belts
Jukers
Angry Hamsters
Shaolin Vigilantes
Three-Point Mafia
Li’l Big Men
Hardcourt Mayhem
Dangerous Blokes
Power of Attorney
Hickory Huskers (from “Hoosiers”, but you have to get the red jerseys and the sweet gold shorts. Awesome.)
Dirty Rasslers
City Councilmen
Hoof-Hearted (your mascot would have to be a horse, but say the name quickly)
Ball Breakers
Crab Fishermen


In something of a shocking move, they actually went with Ballers, which is likely the most offensive name on the list