If I were stealing $15.5m, I'd keep a lower profile

A quick note to you, Richie Sexson, from the eleven remaining Ranger fans. There is simply no chance that Kason Gabbard would improve your obp by throwing at you. You're hitting .209. Your strike zone is only slightly smaller than your inflated salary. It's no surprise that you feel bad for stealing money from the Mariners, but charging the mound isn't exactly flying under the radar. Fortunately, you're Richie Sexson, so you swung and missed each time you tried to throw a punch.

You are bush, Richie Sexson, and you should know that if the Rangers haven't sold Padilla to the Yankees or Rockies before the next Mariners series, you're getting 95 in the ribs before you can get your helmet off to throw it. And I will be sitting close enough to tell you about it.