Archive e-mail of the week: Underground with Clonie Gowen

Friday morning is usually spent the same way: get coffee, nurse hangover, get more coffee, send and receive 46,000 word e-mails re-capping previous night's BF homegame, get more coffee, and (occassionally) throw up in office thrash can. When a BF does a particularly humorous job of summarizing the game, or if Tiny B loses all of his money and vents at the world, I keep the e-mail in a folder marked "pantheon," in homage to the wise and wonderful Sports Guy (who, by the way, will be at the Main Event this year).

In any event, this fun little re-cap comes to us from Gentle Shane and Tulsa following a night of carding with Clonie back in the day. Everyone had been at Gonz's campaign fundraiser and decided to find an underground room for a little no limit afterwards.

First, from Shane:

OK, I think I can comment on some of this shit:

1. Don't remember all the details of the AK hand, except that I knew Clonie had at least two pair and probably better. Dan giggles and makes goo-goo eyes when he calls with Ace-high. Horrible, horrible play.

2. I spent the entire evening staring at Clonie's [censored lurid comment] as well. She knows how to work it. I think she plays [censored lurid comment] tag a lot.

3. So while we're driving to the stadium [near the underground room], Clonie clearly gets lost. We have something like 7 cars in a caravan and she is leading the way, but she has no idea where she's going. Instead of heading toward Texas Stadium, she goes south on 35 toward downtown. Then she exits near Regal Row (or someplace like that) AND TURNS LEFT (east) presumably to make a U-turn and go back North on I-35. The entrance lane is shut down for construction and she makes another u-turn so we've essentially made a lap. I'm thinking surely Clonie will correct her error and turn right, but she gets back in the left turn lane. I pull up next her on the right and scream, "Good god woman!?! What are you doing?" She laughed and said,
"I'm lost." I'm pretty sure she was [censored lurid comment] with herself at the time.

4. They had all kinds of food at the poker room. At one point, Clonie gets up from the table and comes back with a corn dog. I'm fairly certain that Dan got a boner immediately. Dan takes a food break and comes back with a corn dog and mashed potatoes with cream gravy. Apparently Dan thinks mashed potatoes and gravy make the perfect dipping sauce for corn dogs. Gross. Later Joe gets up and comes back with, get this, a chicken cordon bleu. Never one to pass up a fried "hamster" I join the feast.

5. There are a few older Playboy magazines sitting on a magazine rack. Todd examines one, but is summarily repulsed by the centerfold's unkempt nether-thatch. He makes his disgust known in an all-too loudly fashion.

6. I have K-J suited under the gun and I raise $3. Todd immediately puts me on K-J or 6-6 and he announces it to everyone at the table. He says something about remembering that I always play that hand. Whatever.

A few other points of observation:

*I told Clonie she could be an honorary Bat-Face. She had no idea what this was, but her response, whatever it was, gave Dan a boner. Later Clonie was talking about a few gigs she's gotten doing commentary for televised poker tournaments. I asked to her give us a shout-out next time she tapes a show by saying something like, "Wow, that was a Bat-Faced call."
* Chris, who was definitely trying too hard to fit in, spent a lot of time talking about his life as a swinger. Todd (who was sitting next to him) did a valiant job of trying to hide his dislike for both the speaker and the topic, but he just couldn't pull it off. BTW, is there anything more delicious than watching a thoroughly creeped-out Todd try not to act creeped-out?
* Late in the game, I'm up about $20 or so. I had won a lot of hands, but few for anything more than $40. I¹m BB and get dealt Q-5 spades. Everyone limps in, including Eric in mid-late position, and I check. Flop is 3-4-5 rainbow. Eric bets the pot, and I think I have him on at best a middle pair, but more likely two overcards. His bet just seemed like he was hoping to drive everyone out of the pot. I call and after the turn brings nothing Eric bets pot ($52) and I get all my chips in the pot. I don't have a great hand, but I'm sure Eric hasn't hit a pair. Of course, he turns over 2-6o for the straight. Dickhead!
* I re-buy and two hands later I get As-Kc. I raise it preflop and get Pfeiffle and Dan to call. Flop is Ks-Qs-7c. I bet, Dan calls, Eric raises, I re-raise, Dan folds and Eric calls. Turn is 4d and I get all but $10 in the pot. After the river comes 9d, I bet the last of my chips. Pfeiffle rolls over Qh-9h, for a river two pair. I silently curse Tim Rogers' name.
* BEST MOMENT OF THE EVENING: A lovelorn Dan is sitting across from Clonie, ogling everything about her. Awkwardly he blurts, "You have great teeth!" Of course, we never let him live it down. In the donkey hand above where I went against Eric, after he made a $52 raise, before I called, I tried to get some additional information. Eric wouldn't look at me, and when he finally did, I said "You have really nice teeth." Eric laughed nervously and I subsequently made the wrong call. From now on, always compliment Clonie on her teeth and watch Dan cringe.

From Eric:

1. Final accounting: I won $30 after being down $180 (much of which went to Joe C. when I was in the classic K-K vs. A-A tar pit). Much of this came when I brilliantly played that 6-2o and flopped a straight. Last hand I took $20 from Trip C (Creepy Crawly Chris) when I again flopped a straight with K-9. This was good because Chris may have the tightest game and the loosest cock in town.

2. The A-K hand early was awesome. I think the flop was Q-8-rag, then a 9, then rag. Dan first to act between the two (ALWAYS good), trying to muscle her out, talking to her, smiling, telling her what he has her ³on,² what his thinking is on the hand, just pure hilarity. She just keeps badgering him, swaying her [censored lurid comments] all but begging him to call. He makes his patented smirking double-pump final bet, the one where he raises both eyebrows high and lifts his head, and shows the A-K as if to say, "After I stare you down with A-high, I may have to glaze you like a warm donut, and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it." She turns over Q-9 (as I recall) and laughs at him.

3. After Dan's teeth comment, I started saying things to her like, "Action's on you, sweet teeth."

4. Chris was so creepy, he makes Dan's sweaty sexual innuendo sound like a reading of Sense and Sensibility ("Clonie has not your feelings, Danimal. Rick Fuller's reserve suits her." ... "But can he love her?" Dan asks. "Can the soul really be satisfied with such polite affections and pretty teeth?"). The way he made sure that Clonie knew he and his wife are swangers, as in "to swang," was so obvious and pathetic it would have only been funny if when he was done, during that awkward silence that only Todd throwing his chips and screaming "Motherfucker!" can usually bring, Capasso had punched Trip C in his Sam Cassell alien head. Was it me, or did he look like the dude in Munch"s ³The Scream"?

5. When Dan was, and I am not making this up, dipping his corn dog (that was covered in mustard) into his mashed potatoes (covered with cream gravy), he looked at me as he shoved half this horrific concoction in his mouth. I raised one eyebrow and said inquisitively, "Atkins?"

6. I think Straight Eric is going to kill himself.

7. Capasso (who again played very well (scary)) and I were the two last cars on this poker train, so it was extra hilarious to watch eight cars or so trying to speed through lights at the same time, make sharp turns through darkened warehouse districts, etc. It was like watching a drunken snake, only one shaped like a string of SUVs.

8. Clonie gave me one of her cell phones (weird) as we drove over in case we got lost, cuz my wife accidentally took mine home. Halfway into our tour of the Irving Industrial District, it rings. Caller ID says "Rick Fuller." I wasn't drunk enough, but my immediate thought was to answer the phone the way my college roommate used to: "The cock that rocks..."

9. I don't know how many of you caught this, but Clonie at one point was trying to teach Dan some things. She was quietly berating him and asking him questions like, "Dan, when you say 'my betting pattern,' what do you MEAN? Because I don't think you mean what everyone else means." After lots of "fair enoughs" and Clonie staring at Dan like an idiot and me staring at Clonie"s right [censored lurid comment] like an idiot, she smiled and shook her head. A hand or two later, it's very limpy. After the flop, a couple of players get their money in and Todd thinks for a while before laying down second pair with A-X, two spades (on spade on the board). He shows his cards to Dan, I believe. Of course, runner-runner are spades, and Todd woulda taken a huge pot. He goes OHHH, and makes some joke about how he should have stayed in because of course runner-runner would come. We all chuckle. Dan then shakes his head, smiles, looks off into space and sort of mutters, "You know, used to be, runner-runner was such a huge part of my game." Clonie put her head down and, I believe, thought to herself, "I can't believe I ever considering swapping cigarette ash with that donkey."

11. Bonus: When I arrived at Statos, my wife is talking to Clonie. She tells me, "She's from Oklahoma. We connected. I think she is very, very sweet." To which I said, "Did you see her tits?"