Suwheet Pat-tay-tah Chuheese Cayke

For some reason, Shane and Tulsa refuse to post. They should. They're entertaining. Here are Shane's favorite moments of The Batfaces trip to Tunica in January 2005, followed by Tulsa's slightly edited top 10 memories of the same trip.

1. I had a meltdown before we even left. Couldn't get my shit together couldn't get anything organized, even though I had plenty of sleep. Net result: I left my computer (which Todd had asked me to bring) sitting by the door to my garage.
2. Todd and his adventures with Delta, which led to a counter agent threatening to call security on him.
3. The bartender at Sam's Town apologizing to Eric and I because he had to tell us we would have to pay for our drinks (75 cents each) if we didn't play video poker.
4. Dan having the nerve to discuss how my errant play in the media tourney knocked him out, even though he was only made it that far because he rivered me six hands earlier.
5. Ballinger's lucky pigs and the abuse they subsequently took. Troy threw then across the high-stakes room, then he hid them in Ballinger's drink.
One of them also made a glorious trip between Clonie's tatties (see below).
6. My inverse reaction to the guy who got pissed when his pocket kings were accidentally raked into the muck by the dealer.
7. Todd having the nerve to call me a dick after I egg-rolled Randy with the "Todd wins a super-satellite" and "Eric is drunk and up $1400" stories. It was Todd's idea.
8. Dinner at the steak restaurant and Troy's call to Clonie with an offer of a limo ride from WHEREVER SHE WAS AT THAT MOMENT. Sing-a-long with me now, "Todd's gonna get a new mommy..."
9. Watching Todd big-time it at Sam's Town playing alone at the $25 blackjack table. I thought my yelling and screaming of "GO BIG TODD" and "WHOO!" was appropriate. Randy didn't. And just in case any one wasn't sure who Todd was (namely the people in the far reaches of the casino who could hear me, but couldn't see to the table area, I yelled "GO BIG TODD...AT THE $25 TABLE...IN THE RED HAT...WITH THE TAN SWEATER VEST!!!".
Randy didn't like that and tried to evacuate. So I shouted, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING, RANDY?!?!?! IN THE BLUE HAT WITH THE TERRIBLE SWEATER?!?!?!"
10. Todd's last dealer at Sam's Town was a midget. The minute Randy, Eric and I saw him, Randy looked at me and said "DON'T say it." Todd got up before I could suggest that he place his bets as close to the rail (and as far from the dealer's stubby little arms) as possible.
11. After I got knocked out of the $500 tourney, I saw Randy, Todd and Ballinger at the $1-$2 table. Todd told me his Dad was in the high-stakes room playing blackjack and asked me to go see how he was doing. I look up and Troy was high-fiving everyone in the room.
12. Once I'm inside the high stakes room, Troy explains that since Omaha sits just north of 21 degrees latitude, it is appropriate to say "Omaha" whenever the blackjack dealer busts his hand. He then screams "OMAHA" at the top of his lungs whenever the house busts. This wouldn't be a huge deal, but it was in the high-stakes room which is considerably more quiet than the rest of the casino.
13. The ill-fated cocktail party. Dan invites everyone he knows, but they all must have thought that the odds of Dan hosting a cocktail party in a high-roller's suite was preposterous, so they didn't show. As for the few souls who did make it (but were sorry they did), Dan was an excellent host showing up two hours late. Next time, we leave the inviting to Troy.
14. The Bluff Magazine cocktail party attendee who asked Dan, "Seriously, what did that cocktail party cost me? I don't have to have sex with anyone, do I?"
15. In the high-stakes room. I drank eight VO&7's in about 30 minutes. No drink was in my hand for more than 20 seconds. The waitress handed me the drink, I slammed it and put the empty back on her tray before she could move to another table. I immediately ordered another. Eric can attest to this.
16. Ballinger falling comfortably into the role of old pervert. Besides over-fondling every female who came within arms-length, when he showed off his lucky pigs to Clonie, he dropped one down her bra "for good luck". Clonie laughed it off, but I looked at her and said "me sooooo sorry!"
16. While walking to the Horseshoe bar with Dan M., Clonie, Karen and Rick, Dan unleashes his most brilliant line in forever by saying, "It is so obvious who I'm having sex with tonight. Rick."
17. Eric pulled the over-friendly act with Rick, then I completed the egg-roll by asking Rick, "So, you like to play cards?"
18. At the $1-2 NL table, Todd gets pocket aces and re-raises a moderate raise pre-flop. Another player goes all-in and Todd can't call quickly enough. Todd's aces hold up against Ad-10d despite a scary flush possibility on the turn. Eric asks me, "When did you know Todd had aces?" I replied, "When Todd almost dove onto the table after the other guy's all-in." A few hands later, Todd draws to a straight on the river, but a flush is on the board. The same guy from above makes a minimal bet on the river and Todd reluctantly calls throwing his cards on the table face-up. Thinking that Todd folded, the other player mucks his cards and starts dragging the pot. The dealer informs him that he just mucked and surrendered the pot. He then pushes the chips to Todd. I tell Eric, "The fake-fold is strong part of Todd's game." Mr. All-In/Errant-Foldy-Guy immediately moves to another table.
19. Still at the $1-2 NL table, the EASIEST PLAYER TO READ I've ever played with, is on Todd's left. He drank about 15 Michelob's and got cockier with each one, although his play couldn't have been any less courageous or more predictable. When Todd tried to hit a big hand by slow playing his aces, only to fall to a donkey hand of 9-4 that flopped two pair, Mr. Easy chastised Todd by telling him, "You can't give him a free card like that. You have to make him pay to see that." All this from a guy who: only called a $2 pre-flop bet with pocket kings; called but never re-raised a pre-flop raise; and, folded to every post-flop bet unless he had the nuts. Later, when he over-bet after the flop and a passive-weak player folder her hand, he inhaled through his nose and whispered to Todd, "I smelled fear." How Todd maintained his composure and kept from clobbering him is a complete mystery.
20. The whole bit about me lying to the Horseshoe concierge while trying to get Dan a car to the airport. I was impersonating Troy and making great headway until the nice lady asked me "What is your birthday?" Oops.
21. On our multi-ethnic flight back, Eric craps out by drawing a seat next to a Cajun building contractor who wants to talk in detail about the buffets in Tunica. To appease him, Eric tells the guy that we stayed at Sam's Town. The Cajun's audible reply was, "Yeah, that's a nice place, but too many blacks stay there." Eric pretended he was dead for the rest of the flight.

Tulsa:
1. One of our dealers was named Arssie. (Pronounced "ARSE-EY") That was her spelling. It was on her tag. When my buddy won a hand and tipped her a dollar, he said, "Thanks, Arssie!", then turned to me and said, "I couldn't WAIT to say that."
2. I won $300 total in 8 hours of 1/2 NL. (About 290, but I'm rounding up.) I loved that game. Good people, good play for the stakes, etc. I also loved flopping quad 2s and getting bet into by A-Q when the flop came Q-2-2.
3. At N'Awlins, the nice cajun restaurant at the Horseshoe, our waitress was a beautiful 20-year-old Asian woman named Alia who spoke with the thickest Mississippi accent you can imagine. Very odd and quite enticing when someone who looks like a geisha girl talks in that slow-as-molassess drawl and asks us things like, "Ya'll wahnt a slhyce o' suwheet pat-tay-tah chuheese cayke?" We all agreed to fall in love with her.
5. After that dinner, Dan (who had just gotten up at 7 o'clock or so, played 1/2 NL. When I went down to the get the key from him, he was angrily mucking his cards face up against the guy he was heads up against. I noticed a big pile of chips in front of them, which the guy began to rake. Dan starts saying, angrily, "Could you beat Queen-Jack!? Could you beat Queen-Jack?!" I leave and 10 minutes later Dan calls the room. "I'm on tilt!" he says. Says the other guy had Q-J and they woulda split (there was a straight on the board to the Q, which had come on the river, so dan thought he'd been sucked out on by a K.) He said the very next hand he was dealt A-A. "They didn't hold up" was all he'd say. At 5 a.m. when he came to the room to gather his stuff to head to the airport, he was muttering about how he'd "had my bluff called by this donkey three times" before "I finally realized I just needed to play my game." It was like a beautiful dream.
6. The entire night of blackjack, drinking, and fondling that included Me, Shane, Todd, Darling, Ballinger, Karen, Dan, Wei, et. al. Wei or course was the dealer that completely ran over Darling's table (except for Todd). There was Darling yelling to the entire high-roller area that he wanted "Wee or Way or Woo" outta there, not that it was personal. "Hell, he's good people!
I'll take him out for a beer, or a saki, or whatever he drinks!" There was Shane getting hit on by the Jewish princess. There was the VERY handsy Dan B. being told by a very angry woman, "MY space is HERE. Your space ends HERE!"
7. The food at N'Awlins.
8. The 47-year-old who wants to blow Dan M.
9. Todd's line about RF: "Do you think he'll start shaving soon?"
10. The Incredibles: aka, the breasts of Nicole the Cocktail Waitress