Burying the Lede

So Roger Clemens had an affair with some country singer. Which of the following tidbits would seemingly be most significant detail?

a) It impacts his credibility in a libel suit;
b) It may offer another source for steroid investigators;
c) She's a famous (?) country singer; or
d) CLEMENS WAS DATING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL.

As a Sox fan, I knew the Rocket was reprehensible. Now he's a reprehensible statutory rapist. Allegedly.

Bye bye Botts

The Rangers DFA'ed a lot of peoples unhealthy obsession today, Jason Botts. I was not one of those people. There is no doubt he LOOKS like he should be a star in baseball, but I look somewhat athletic, and we all know thats bullshit. The kid just has no position. He can't field well enough to play in the outfield, he is a very poor defensive first baseman, and above all, he can not hit. Sure, he'll hit .320/.436/.545 in the minors, but his career numbers at The Show are awful: .235/.323/.321. Those numbers just don't cut it for someone who's only position is DH.

Hole in Ones are Easy Right?

Tiny B is a scratch golfer with a little bit of a temper. How do you think he feels about this guy, who shot a 78 despite two aces in the round? Did I mention that Tiny B, in his 30 plus years of golfing, has not had a hole in one? Aces are easy, right?

2008 NFL Draft

One of my favorite sports days of the year is here and boy am I horny. We are going to try to live blog this bad boy. First prediction... a white dude goes first.


Matt: why is steve young wearing a candy cane around his neck?

Did Chris Long just say "Batface" and use "vibrate" and "mom" in the same sentence? Love Chris Long

3:12 - Matt: thats why he went first, good diction
wow, this draft is flying by
not even settled in yet

Matt: right now, you me, and someone in the bronx are on the site
me: There is a good chance the first 3 picks are white
odd?
Matt: very me: This draft really is flying by


oh no
there it was
Matt: what
me: the first retarded joke by berman. "they are both Long gone"

Matt: eh. missed it. my guess: will have ample opportunity to hear more


3:15 - Re: First three picks being white, Matt asks "did I just accidently turn on
the NHL draft?"


3:19 - From Eric via text message: "Atlanta drafts the new Dan Pastorini. At least he has no line, recievers, or rbs. And he throws like David Kingler." Im sure that is funny for every person over the age of 39. Those of us a little younger are hearing crickets.


3:24 - me: Mcfadden go here?
Matt: yea
or someone moves up
looks like him
Raiders are the Dan of football (line of the day so far)

me: and if you arethe cowboys, would you rather have mcfadden, or The Good Roy
Williams and Felix Jones? Give the the latter
I think hes going to be great

3:27 - Eric "3 more paternity suite filed in the last 30 seconds."


3:31 me: look at dorseys watch
unreal

Matt: nicer than randy's
but not quite as nice as fawcetts
Matt: 40% less diamonds than scotts

me: dont know why everyone loves dorsey
me: big DT with back issues = scary

Matt: is steve deBerg still KC's qb?
if the BCS takes over the NFL playoffs, Dorsey has a good chance of seeing the playoffs again. otherwise, not so much

3:42 - Think the Jets have to draft a better defensive signal coordinator here
Matt: so hope they botch this

3:52 - Matt: still expecting skins to trade away draft for chad johnson
me: cant you argue that NO needs a RB?
deuce is hurt and bush is not good enough to be a full time rb

Matt: like him
me: hes not very big-ish
Matt: biggest guy ever to wear 49?
me: no kidding was just about to say that
Matt: like him more now

4:03 - Espn sucks ass. really wish i had nfl network
Matt: about to switch
Matt: ugh, faulk is wretched. might have to stick with espn. pats got an extra 3rd for dropping a couple spots

me: see, they hanet menionted that on espn yet. still dont know what the trade was
Matt: saints also got a 5th
me: so tired of espn thinking this is all about them. every time the commish talks, they need to show him
time to order a burger
Matt: the knot on faulks tie is the size of a cinnamon roll

4:06 - Five big-time comments from eric via email:
I just texted this to Chad Johnson: "if we trade for you, I will commit suicide on your alien head -T.O."
Kirk herbstreet is the hottest woman ive ever seen.
Love that Malcolm kelly is dropping. Should be available at 83 now.
Why does Steve young have Tim Rogers' hair?
Do you think new England will take Curtis lofton? Are you tired of OU refrences yet?

4:20 - This looks like its setting up perfectly for the Cowboys. Through 12 picks, only 1 cornerback has been selected. Here is what I would do. Draft either Talib or DRC at 22, trade 28 to the Lions for the Good Roy Williams, and with their 2nd round selection, draft my boy Ray Rice.

4:24 - Shocked that Stewart went ahead of Mendenhall. Is there a chance he slides too?

3:37 [switched to CDT so Eric can get home in time]

Zach: cant believe we haven't mentioned Keyshawns odd choice of stripped suit, checkered shirt, and polka dot-y tie
wtf is he thinking?
bet mendenhall goes here
benson SUCKS

eric: "Serious question: can Ryan Clady play on a field that isn't blue? Or with dreads that aren't smooth-ass sexy? Discuss."

Zach: we are close to Det drafting another WR
Matt: more bust wr's drafted: Det or Wash

3:39 - eric: My dream first round for cowboys: mendenhall at 22, James hardy at 28.
Ced Benson now not 2nd biggest suckbitch on bears offense.

3:48 - Zach: [Albert] looks so defeated

Matt: would you rather be a die-hard Chiefs or Cardinals fan

Zach: huh....
i would go with Card
better weather
QB does beer bongs with college chicks
and herm isnt the coach

Matt: all great points
the fake coors light interview question commercials are more exhausting to listen to than kiper in the 5th round

Zach: eric just called and said that if mendenhall, thomas, or DRC is there at 22, he will do a gay dance atthe party he is at
there goes drc

Matt: cant believe no WRs taken
so hope Thomas is there for skins
dont want sweed

Zach: sweed will be good
like him
just not in top 20

Eric: to suggest that keyshawn's ensemble is both spectacular and ridiculous is to put far, far too much depth and meaning on both 'spectacular' and 'ridiculous'

4:00 - Zach: mendenhall is going to slide to dal
QB for balt
OL for Phil

Matt: if he does, do you kill the pacman deal?

Zach: relevensce for TB
thomas for wash
mendenhall for dal

Matt: they will take one of sweed, thomas, or mendenhall
or a DE
or a saftey that is less bullet-prone

Matt: what state is Delaware in
holy crap
thats a long throw

Zach: like it
going to be better than big ben

Matt: kinda wish flacco and fargas were on the same team, thats a sweet backfield, name wise
eagles have to take mend, right?

Zach: they really need ol
bet they trade down to someone who needs mendenhall

Matt: you rather have (for dallas) mendenhall,thomas, or rb

Zach: mendenhall
then trade for RW

4:20 - Matt: skins take Mend, trade him for RoyW, then trade up for sweed, and trade 2009 picks for Vince Young and get Benson off of waivers.

Zach: i would LOVE to hate wash if that happens

Zach: how crazy are you going to be when wash drafts desean jackson?

Matt: Millen is a spy for the skins

Zach: unreal
listening to norm

Matt: how confused is he

Zach: very
loves the fact they took talib
cause dal was never going to take him

Matt: thomas will be a skin
very happy with that
follow in the footsteps of rod gardner and westbrook

4:30 - Zach: youre going to be angry with the pick
and i cant wait

Matt: wont be upset with sweed, thomas, or any D-line
or a cb

Zach: henne?
Matt: haaa
trade?
roy?
taking too long. scaring me
pass?

Zach: thepass would be awesome

Matt: TAKE THOMAS

Zach: desean jackson
please take desean hackson

Matt: berman is drunk

Zach: trade

Matt: wow

Zach: awesome
mendenhall
mendenhall to atl

Matt: trade for vick?

Zach: ha
oh yeah
turner is there now

Zach: WHAT?

Matt: wtf

Zach: hahahahhaa

Matt: look at him, what a douche

Zach: sonow the cowboys have a choice to make

Matt: dallas should trade down, so much to take
this is a valuable spot all of a sudden

Zach: top wr, top rb, top cb
no kidding
mendenhall goes here
what do you needmore? cb, wr, or rb?

Matt: if they take jones here, how angry are you
i think they need cb most

Zach: eric wants you to blog that if we take jones, hes going to drive his car with his family in it, off woodall rogers

Zach: mendenhall for roy williams?
what the fuck
cowboys are drafting felixjones
unreal

Matt: HAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAAA
unreal

Zach: did mendenhall cut his leg off this week?

4:40 -
Eric: The ground hurt.
I'm still alive. Driving to valley ranch to gatling gun the war room while screaming soo-eey.

6:15 - me: anywordon trade yet?

Tiny: cant find anything
me: maybe we just asked sea nicely if we could switch places?
henne's face is fatter than mine
Tiny: compensation for Julius Jones?
me: awesome
dal gave up the 5 and 7
Matt: is that the 23rd USC started drafted in the first round
me: all on D
Tiny: Pete Carroll is so overrated
Tiny: why does Pitt need Mendnhall
Matt: because parker was too good of a fantasy pick otherwise. make it harder
figured out the draft. its just that Kiper is a complete moron. all expected players still there, just had bad info. kiper/scouts/etc

6:23 - Matt: kiper looks more and more like teen wolf every year

6:28 - Matt: 4 straight wrs after ny takes a saftey

Josh Howard Comes Out of the Closet and Now I Love Him

I get the feeling he was watching the same documentaries on the History Channel that I was on 4-20. They were very inspiring.

Because murder is monkey-sport

Perhaps one of my favorite pictures ever - it's got everything. Look at the murderous calm in his eye and tell me Shane didn't evolve from a common ancestor. From the second best use of the internet, ICHC

Friday Fun: Who Likes Panties?

This game is amazing if you do. Go technology!

Open letter to Tom Hicks

Mr. Hicks,

Really? This is the baseball team I live and die for? Right now, we (and I do mean "we", because I am apart of this journey) have the 2nd worst record in Major League Baseball. And you know what kills me? I really don't care. I am the fan that you love. I am the guy that lives 3000 miles away and have watched every single game via the MLB Extra Innings Package. I am the guy that walked into the Lids in Times Square and whipped the dude behind the counter for the perfect 7 5/8s home Ranger Hat. I am the guy that the 5th game of the season, I ordered my new 2008 Texas Ranger t-shirt. In other words, you don't give a fuck about me. I am there, buddy. I love the Rangers, and most certainly always will.

BUT

The other 92.4% of the people out there are not me. They are the people that go to MAYBE 5 games a year and MIGHT switch to Josh Lewin and Tom Grive (two of the best baseball guys on tv, by the way) on Thursday night, but only if former Aggie Great Jason Castro has already preformed on American Idol. And to tell you the truth, they are the people you need. But here is the problem. You, as an owner, suck. As i see it, all you care about is the bottom line. AND THATS COOL, because you are a business man first and foremost. But business men is not what makes sports great. What makes sports great is owners who care about winning and losing just as much as me. And quite frankly, that's not you. But that's why I'm here, to plead to you to change your ways.

I realize you were burned by the ARod deal. Who could have known that he would be the biggest douchebag in the history of sports? REAL fans saw what was happening and understand it. But that doesn't mean you give up. Look. We all realize that we weren't going to win the American League West this year. It just wasn't going to happen. But stop putting a team out there that has no chance to win. Ben Broussard sucks and will not be here next year. Neither will Frank Catalanotto or Gerald Laird. So stop playing them. I understand that you cant "put up the white flag" by playing all young guys because, supposedly, no one will come out and watch. Well guess what? No one cares right now.

So here is what I propose you do:
Get rid of all the dead weight. We all know that we have a ton of young talent. Well, lets get that young talent up here. I would be 100 times more exacted to watch Chris Davis at the plate than Ben Broussard hit into another fucking double play. Same goes with Brandon Boggs, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Eric Hurley, Taylor Teagarden, and Nelson Cruz. Sit down and REALLY look who is going to be on this team in July of 2009. If you cant see them on that team, get rid of them.

Fire Ron Washington. Sure hes a fiery guy and cusses alot. But hes just not a Major League Manager. Some of the mistakes that are made in the field and some of the game-to-game decisions that are made lead me to know that he is not the right guy for the team. I wish I could tell you who is the right person for the job, but I just don't know. Which brings us to the 3rd point.

Keep Jon Daniels. This guys seems to know what is going on. Sure he made some VERY questionable trades early on. But he seems to have to learned from those mistakes and I trust him to keep making the desisions to lead us to the best years in Rangers history. The deals he made in the Texaira trade and the Gagne trade were absolutely brilliant. What we got in return is going to be the core of what is hopefully a multi-pennanet winning club. Keep the young kid around because he will help lead us to the promise land.

Like I said, I am there for the long haul. But if you don't want to lose the other fans, things need to change, and change quickly.

Go Rangers,
Zach Ballenger

Chel-see

Busy day today, so I'm life-lined into the Liverpool v. Chelsea game thanks to the miracle of SopCast and the live, P2P-TV friendly Ben Sports out of Shanghai. I would be watching it online with ESPN360, except for one minor detail: ESPN continues its domination at producing the most pathetic, bloated technology ever seen online. Also, why the hell would I pay to see a free UEFA broadcast? Surprisingly action packed game so far. Go interweb.

UPDATE: Kuyt. Yuck. 1-0 Liverpool.
RE-UPDATE: Liverpool scores a beautiful diving header into their own net with seconds remaining. Final score, 1-1.

Kind of a sport....ish?

Regardless of whether you think it is a sport or not, my hard work has finally paid off.
[link fixed, thnx dan]

Washington is an idiot

Down 2 in the top of the 9th and the leadoff hitter gets on. Jason Botts, who has 4 total hits for the season and who Rudy says will never be able to hit major league fastballs, is due up. Milton Bradley, who is hitting .352 and has been your best hitter so far, is on the bench. An obvious pinch hit situation, right? Well, apparently not. Botts promptly hits into what should have been a double play if not for a wide throw by the 2nd baseman.

I then thought that maybe Bradley may have been unavailable due to his surgically repaired knee. But after Murphy hit a pop-up to left, and the Rangers down to their last out, here comes Bradley in for Laird.

I just dont get it. Why now? If anything, wouldnt you want Laird to face Papelbon more than Botts? Will someone please explain this to me?

Scattershooting-ish

With my first offering to this Award-winning sports blog, I offer the only on-line 2008 NBA Playoff Preview. As an avid sports fan who considers the NBA among his top 5 favorite North American Professional sports leagues, I feel there are few who can provide the insight I offer.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

(1) LA Lakers vs. (8) Denver Nuggets
I think it's strange how the characteristics of a team can stay the same over decades, regardless of the number of times the coaching staff and roster have turned over. If this series was being played in 1987, I would have said that if the Nuggets (English, Vandeweghe) get hot, they can steal a game or two, but the Lakers play significantly better defense, play a better team game, are better coached and will win the series pretty easily. Huh?
Lakers win in 5.

(2) NO Hornets vs. (7) Dallas Mavericks
Those who know me, know that I did not like the Devin/Kidd trade. Its time for the Mavs to show me that I don't know what I'm talking about. Time to show me how Kidd isn't too old to play with the young, elite point guards of the West. Time to show me how Kidd can get the teams shooters good shots down the stretch. Time to show me how Kidd's "toughness" will lead the team.
On a separate note, how can Kidd be "dating" a "model" and that "model" has exactly no photos on the fucking internet? Hate the internet.
This series will be fun. BTW, I feel strange watching Peja without Vlade being somewhere close.
Hornets in 7.

(3) SA Spurs vs. (6) Phoenix Suns
Here's another make me shut up (not possible) series. After all the bitching from the Suns last year about how they were screwed when the NBA enforced a rule that the Suns clearly broke, they get to play the Spurs in the first round. They traded for Shaq to be able to finally match up with Duncan. Here's your chance. Go get it done. This series also has great drinking game possibilities. Drink every time Duncan or Nash complains about a call? Go vodka.
Spurs in 7.

(4) Utah Jazz vs. (5) Houston Rockets
I don't think enough attention was given to the absurdity of the Rockets' win streak earlier this season. I mean, look at that roster without Yao and look at Adelman's coaching history and explain that streak to me? You can't do it. Have I mentioned I love Deron Williams?
Jazz in 6.

By the way, I would have put a jump in by now, but I don't know how.

EASTERN CONFERENCE (really?)

If I told you that 3 (James, Garnett, Howard) of the best 15 players in the NBA played in the East, could you argue?

(1) Boston Celtics vs. (8) Atlanta Hawks
I hope Tree Rollins beats the shit out of Danny Ainge. BTW, Garnett is so not the MVP.
Celtics in 5.

(2) Detroit Pistons vs. (7) Philadelphia 76ers
I predict I watch 13 minutes of this series. Really would love to see the 76ers put up a fight.
Pistons in 5.

(3) Orlando Magic vs. Toronto Raptors
Seems like Tracy McGrady should be playing in this one. I'm built like Dwight Howard.
Raptors in 6.

(4) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Washington Wizards
Struggling for anything to say about this series. LaBron is good. Gonz loves Jamison.
Cavs in 6.

Ship it.

Hurry Back

Sorry you had to go back to Las Vegas Dan. Come back soon. We really miss you. Be very careful of the runner runner 8-J.

Bad News for Bangladesh

The Pakistan team proved to be too much for Bangladesh's bangers, winning by 7 wickets at Multan and going 4-0 in the One Day International. Shakib-al-Hasan was the man of the Match in a losing effort for Bangladesh. He had his second ODI century, scoring 108 runs off 120 balls. And he picked up a wicket as well, for good measure. On Pakistan's side, Salman Butt had 74.

Ship It

Schedule came out today, and instead of coming up with some bullshit season prediction, I'm going to do the safe thing and predict the point spread. Good luck all in.


Week 1 @ Cleveland
Dal -5.5
Week 2 PHILADELPHIA
Dal -6
Week 3 @ Green Bay
Dal -3
Week 4 WASHINGTON
Dal -8
Week 5 CINCINNATI
Dal -9.5
Week 6 @ Arizona
Dal -13
Week 7 @ St. Louis
Dal -5
Week 8 TAMPA BAY
Dal -7.5
Week 9 @ New York Giants
Dal + 4
Week 10 BYE
Week 11 @ Washington
Dal -1.5
Week 12 SAN FRANCISCO
Dal -14
Week 13 SEATTLE
Dal -5.5
Week 14 @ Pittsburgh
Dal +6
Week 15 NEW YORK GIANTS
Dal -4.5
Week 16 BALTIMORE
Dal -9
Week 17 @ Philadelphia
Dal + 3.5

Let's Bowl Let's Bowl

Query: Is bowling a sport? Is Wii bowling a sport? Discuss....

First (and long)

I love the NFL - it's the baseball of the gridiron. With the draft right around the corner it's the perfect time for me to warm up my frustrater and bitch about my favorite couple-o-horribly-obvious-changes-the-NFL-should-make-but-doesn't (possibly because it's too busy trying to pull its tongue out of Jerry Jones). This might become a regular topic here at the new Batfaces, if I'm not too busy posting about how Todd Collins is the next 5-year-older Tom Brady. Here we go:

1) Half-the-distance penalties against the offense are not cool. If the offense gets penalized half the distance to the goal, the defense should instead have the option of just moving the first down marker the original penalty-distance up the field. First and 10 on the 15 and get a 10 yard holding call? Move the sticks from the 25 to the 35 if the defense prefers. Simple, consistent, and sometimes makes sense.

2) The f-ing field is exactly 100 yards long. There is no - or at least there shouldn't be - a 108 yard kickoff or INT return. If I catch a kick-off in the back of the endzone and kneel down 1 inch before the goal line, it's a touchback. If I run to the back of the other endzone, the play is over at the goal line. The endzone is just that - a zone. I'm all for gratuitous records but if you are going to count that shit then paint stripes back there - it's not a damned field goal attempt. If I catch the ball in the middle of the endzone and run it out to the 20, is a 24 yard return? Uh hu. That's it for now, expect more rant in 2 weeks when the Skins draft another first round receiver/bust, or trade away their entire draft for Chad Johnson, Sedrick Shaw, and a WKRP poster.

PETA

PETA called and wanted to know how the dog is doing?

Get Your Wickets Weady

As the clubs gear up for the 2008 season, I've got my eye on Hamsphire. I think new captain Dimitri Mascarenhas will pick up where outgoing Shane Warne left off. Dimitri, as you no doubt know, holds the record for England for most runs in an over in a One Day International. Thirty wasn't no fluke, yo. Just check out Dimi's five consecutive sixes when Eng squared off with Ind last year. No googly can fool him.

LOVE BYRD

Big leadoff triple by Byrd in the bottom of the 10th down 1 run. I swear to God, if we dont score here, I will beat my dog.


UPDATE
After a dribbler to short, a weak ass pop up to shallow left, and a first pitch-swinging lazy fly ball to right, the Rangers are done. Its amazing how a team can be so bad with runners in scoring position. What a fucking joke.

Big Sports Sunday

What a fun sports day. Trevor Immelman and Brandt Snedeker are tied for the lead at the Masters, Tiger just missed a 2 foot putt to save par, and Big Scooter Feldman on the mound for the Rangers.

Perdictions for today: Paul Casey wins the Masters, Tiger stuggles all day and finishes in 9th place, and the Rangers win 6-3.

I think hockey is good

If you aren't watching the Stars, you're missing out. I have watched a total of 63 minutes of hockey this year so I am far from an expert, but the first two games of the playoffs have been riveting. Do yourself a favor and check out game 3 Tuesday night.

This blog sucks

Look, we all play poker, and most of us are pretty good, but we all hate blogging about poker. There is only so much someone can say about bad beats, tourney recaps, or PlayHo trip reports. Sports, on the other hand is awesome. Everyone but myself is great a writer and we all almost always disagree about something sports related. Therefore, I vote that we turn this really shitty poker blog into a regularly updated, damn good sports blog.

Who's with me?